Every stage with kids is hard

Sometimes I look in the mirror and realize I haven't really seen my face in a while. I then study my face for a good couple minutes taking note of all the changes that have happened over the last couple weeks. I notice maybe a couple new little wrinkles, a gray hair, my teeth looking darker... "Are those considered freckles or age spots?" I think to myself.

I then realize I haven't really had time for my own thoughts all day. I've thought about making breakfast, coming up with play ideas, potty training, when's nap time.... Ah, nap time. I need to better utilize this time. And I don't mean for cleaning. I mean for good old-fashioned me time.

I remember when my daughter was a newborn; it was hard. She woke up every 30 minutes the first couple weeks she was home from the hospital. Even though we took turns getting up with her, I was obviously still always tired. And if nobody cooked for me I just ate crackers and cookie butter. I still loved having a newborn and loved staring at her in my arms about 20 hours a day. I do remember thinking, "this is the hardest stage. Once we get passed these sleepless nights it gets easier".

Once she started waking up less often, I wasn't able to give her enough milk. She would cry and look at me like I was failing her. It tugged at my heart that one of my main biological purposes wasn't fully meeting my child's needs. "This might actually be harder. Once I am able to get my milk supply back up it'll get easier."

Fast forward to forever. Okay, it was only a few months. But I finally had my supply established. I think this might be my favorite age ever. I was right! It does get easier. I can maybe handle having more than one kid down the road.

Nope. A few months later she has become way too attached to me. I can't cook, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't clean without her crying for me to pick her up. Leaving the house or leaving her at daycare was an act of ninja moves. I had to manage to sneak out while simultaneously having her know I was sneaking out so she didn't feel abandoned. The teacher at daycare would let me kiss her and then I would slowly walk away, backwards, telling her goodbye and that I loved her until it faded out. Okay, I secretly loved that I couldn't ever put her down while I was trying to have fun at grillouts on the patio with friends. I was limited in what I could enjoy, but knowing how strong her love was for me greatly exceeded that. "This might be the hardest stage. But I will enjoy it."

Mira being two and a half years old now, I am saying that statement again. "This is the hardest stage". We are potty training. And dealing with a strong-will. And dealing with so much explosive energy we could use her as a source of renewable power for our home. I feel exhausted, mentally and emotionally. But I realized, this isn't the hardest stage. This is probably just like the other stages now seem, child's play, compared to what's to come. I imagine there's plenty of hurdles that will leave me wanting to run back to this point in time and stay there.

It's not that I haven't enjoyed each and every stage, I know that I fully have. It goes without saying that the good outweighs the bad. I mean, hello, Mira has now squeezed my cheeks and said "You're beautiful mommy, I love you". That's worth a thousand days of leaving a number 2 present on my living room rug. I just need to let go of the thought that "this is the hardest". It's hard, but not the hardest. There will always be challenges and I know that I will miss the challenges. I already do. I imagine myself in 20 years looking back at old pictures and videos of the most ridiculous things Mira has done and saying to myself "God, I miss that." 

4 comments LABELS: authenticity, perspective, Toddler