Monday, November 9, 2015

Why I Quit All of My Mommy Facebook Groups


There are groups for things like breastfeeding support, natural/holistic parenting, babywearing, and several other generic groups where you can go to vent about all things parenting. They're mostly private or closed groups, so no one else can see them but the members of the group.

At first I thought I had struck a gold mine when I joined. I can now connect with people who have similar goals, values, and mindsets as my own. I can ask questions that I am too afraid to ask my facebook friends or I can simply tell the groups things I know won't resonate with my other mom friends.

But soon I started to see a pattern. Whenever I had a concern or wanted to ask an opinion on a choice I was making, I wasn't just getting help. I was getting sanctimonious responses that made me feel bad. I noticed that instead of people answering questions, they wanted to include their two cents about others' lifestyles and choices. It was often hard to differentiate between those who meant well and those who didn't.


Here is the basic structure of a mom group thread:

Question is asked, supported by one or more relevant detail followed by an irrelevant detail.
     1. Answer to question
     2. Answer to question
     3. Answer to question
     4. Answer to question + Why are you choosing to partake in the irrelevant detail?
         5. The irrelevant detail is none of your business, although she shouldn't have included it in the post.
    6.  I think it's awesome that she does that irrelevant detail! Go you!
    7. Answer to question
    8. You guys are all idiots. The answer is obviously ___
        9. You are clearly the idiot, look at your profile picture!
    10. Wow, I can't believe how much prejudice there is in this group, I'm leaving!!
    11. 17 more people partake in the irrelevant drama

You see, the "specialty" groups are always going to be extreme. It's one way or the highway. If you are in a natural/holistic parenting group and you vaccinate, you will be asked several times why you even joined the group. And even if it's not a specialty group; the bigger the group, the more chance there is that there's going to be drama. Don't even get me started on how time consuming they can be. When I put my daughter down for the night, I would grab my phone and scroll through the feeds of these groups and just read all the nonsense. It was like watching a reality tv show. And finally I decided that I could be using that time so much better. I could be reading, or working on a craft, or learning a new language. Okay maybe not so much the last one.

So I quit all of these groups. I then joined some small groups where I knew there'd be a good energy. I made sure they were under 200 people. I want all the spaces in my life to be positive and encouraging. Now that I have less facebook groups to run to, if I have a mom question, I will be more inclined to reach out to real life mom friends as well as my own mom.


Who else has found mom facebook groups to be more hurtful than helpful? 
Why do you think moms are so judgmental in these groups? 

22 comments:

  1. I agree. The huge groups are full of drama, and not supportive at all. We moms all need to support each other, regardless of the choices we make. As long as we love our kids and are doing our best, we need to have each others backs, not tear each other down.

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    1. Yes. I recently became part of a mommy photographer group of just 100 people and it's so supportive! I love it!

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  2. I definitely agree with your thoughts on those big groups. I've never been in a mommy Facebook group before. But the example you posted was very common in wedding forums such as The Knot. It was very hard to tell who was trying to help and who was begin spiteful. It was crazy. I definitely agree with your decision to leave all those Facebook groups. We need to be for each other, not against each other.

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    1. Oh man. Not sure what they typically discuss in wedding groups but I can just imagine! It is often hard to tell who is speaking up out of concern or who is just bored and looking for a fight.

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  3. I'm not a Mom, but I've had similar experiences with Blogging FB groups. Some are great, but some are just noise. I think it's so important to pick a group with a positive community!
    Kisses,
    Sarah
    EverydayStarlet

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  4. I did this same thing a few years ago. Don't miss it!!

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  5. I've quit almost every group I'm in. Every mommy group, budget planning groups, menu planning groups, hell- I've even quit almost all of the garage sale groups on Facebook because people are morons. I feel like since quitting, my blood pressure has improved.

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    1. Oh my gosh the garage sale groups... I can't. It sucks when you know a groups will be helpful sometimes but feel you have to quit to avoid drama. I totally agree with the blood pressure! lol

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  6. I was in a few but I got out of there quick. This is spot on sadly. And they get super clique-y. Hard pass for me!

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    Replies
    1. Right? I thought cliques were only for real life, you can't escape them online.

      Delete
  7. This made me laugh. I see it in my preggo facebook group all the time!

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  8. Wow I literally just saw this after a friend added me to a mommy group. So lame!

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  9. I feel like Facebook in general is fraught with so many of these stupid arguments/BS drama situations that arise from nowhere. I'm a member of a community group that is the same way and it's totally offputting and makes me want to leave the site completely.

    Good for you for getting out and not tolerating that nonsense any longer--it's a drain!

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  10. I'm new to joining the groups, but will keep this in mind when joining huge groups.

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  11. Very true! I steer clear of mom groups now, either I have just left the groups altogether or I just read and lurk. The drama is ridiculous!

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  12. This is really good to know. When the time came, I would've searched out Mom groups just like I searched out blogger groups (how I found you btw). Now I know to avoid them and avoid the hurt feelings and ridiculousness.

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    Replies
    1. The blogger groups have all been really good for me! I must've picked the right ones :D

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  13. Thanks for the heads up! I've never join any of those groups but now I know what to expect from them if I join any in the future.

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  14. While I was pregnant with my triplets I was a member of several of these groups. Once the babies came I narrowed it down to just one and have been 95% happy with my choice. There's always that one mom that will get under your skin. Ive learned to just ignore her now! Great post, by the way!

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    Replies
    1. Agree! A discussion will be going smoothly and there has to be that one person that goes in and messes it up!

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  15. I couldn't agree more! I was super active when my daughter was a newborn, but now I rarely go on. I do like the babywearing groups though because they haven't seemed too bad yet.

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    Replies
    1. That's funny because my babywearing group was the first one I quit lol. Must be different groups!

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