Adam and I about two weeks before we found out I was pregnant
It doesn't matter what age you are or circumstance you're in, I don't think anyone's really fully ready to be pregnant. Some are physically or financially, but not mentally or emotionally. Some visa versa. Some are just not at all. I was not mentally or physically. In fact, when that third pregnancy test came back positive after waiting a couple days after the second test, I cried. Not necessarily because I was scared or worried, but because I was mourning the loss of myself. My old self. I had plans to travel, to take on new adventures, new risks. I had only been out of college for 6 months and didn't even know what my dreams or aspirations quite were yet. And I was already saying goodbye to them.
It took me a couple weeks of being at war with myself to warm up to the new me. Essentially I just had to give myself the "what the hell is wrong with you?" talk. There are women out there who would kill to get pregnant and can't. And I have always wanted to have babies. I just envisioned having to say goodbye to myself at more of a "27 and married" than a "24 and in-a-long-distance-relationship". So I was stressing about 3 years and being unmarried? That was it? Okay. These past two years have been the best years of Adam and my entire 6 year relationship. Believe that.
My pre-pregnancy self seems so long ago. But it's only been two and a half years. I still remember how amazing it was, though. I got to day drink with my friends on Saturdays and go out on weekends and sometimes not make it home until the next morning. But it's like I don't even want to do those things anymore. I accept them as a pastime and can just smile and be glad they happened.
Not everyone gets to win the lottery, some people don't even want to. Some people just don't want to risk getting their leg cut off. I didn't realize that when saying goodbye to myself, I wasn't really saying goodbye to me, I was saying goodbye to events, to choices, to freedoms. Those were all things, things that can't compare to winning this lottery.
This girl's smile = soul hugs
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the subject of pregnancy, did anyone else have an irrationally optimistic assumption that you would bounce back to your exact pre-prego body practically right away after birth? Poor me, I knew so little.
6 comments
LABELS:
motherhood,
young mom