Monday, May 2, 2016

Worry, As Told By a Mother

As I got to the grocery store parking lot the other day, an old 90's Buick was sitting in the middle of the crosswalk, blocking the way to cars trying to park. I muttered some comment about how old people shouldn't drive. I eventually snuck around the car and peeked over to a short, 5 foot woman getting out of the car with her headscarf on, probably protecting her newly permed hair from the strong winds that day. I looked at the driver and he was a thin upper 80's aged man, whose head was sitting at the top of the window. These were basically my grandparents if they were still alive. I went from mildly annoyed to a quivering swollen face; immediately getting a headache from trying to hold my tears in.

I've lost all of my grandparents before I ever got pregnant. And while I am sad about it, I can accept it. They were old, it was their time, and most of all I don't think they would've really liked our world anymore. I don't think their hearts could've handled it.

When I'm reminded of my grandparents I often get teary-eyed, not just because I miss them. It's because I'm reminded of what I cannot afford to lose. And no offense to them, but that sad feeling I get when I think of them is only a fraction of what I would feel if I would ever lose someone closer to me.

I have this irrational amount of worry. I worry about driving in my car. I worry when I let my daughter play in the front yard. I worry when someone else is babysitting her. I think of all that could happen and multiply it by ten. And now I'm wondering, am I going to be THAT mom that doesn't let her ride her bike to the park or ride in the car with her friend's parents to get ice cream? Or go to sleepovers? This is just the beginning of the lifelong worries. It'll be never ending, I know this. The innocent sleepovers will turn into boys, which will turn into college parties.

I will cross that bridge when we get there. That is all I can say for now. I just wanted to write about my biggest struggle as a mom. I don't know if it's fixable. But I do know that it has been a positive tool as well, imagining disasters. I have the ability to see the worst possible scenario and in-turn, be so incredibly thankful when everything turns out to be okay. I may be a worst case scenarioer, but I am so so so appreciative of what I have every single day. 


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