Wednesday, January 21, 2015

My Pre-Baby Self and How I Sometimes Miss Her

Adam and I about two weeks before we found out I was pregnant

Having a kid is like winning the lottery while simultaneously getting your leg cut off. You win big with having a baby; tons of rewarding experiences. But you're making a lot of sacrifices. So you get your leg cut off. But winning the lottery really minimizes that setback. You're now practically so used to your new life with no leg that you don't really remember what it was like before. Until you want to go for a run or do some dancing.

It doesn't matter what age you are or circumstance you're in, I don't think anyone's really fully ready to be pregnant. Some are physically or financially, but not mentally or emotionally. Some visa versa. Some are just not at all. I was not mentally or physically. In fact, when that third pregnancy test came back positive after waiting a couple days after the second test, I cried. Not necessarily because I was scared or worried, but because I was mourning the loss of myself. My old self. I had plans to travel, to take on new adventures, new risks. I had only been out of college for 6 months and didn't even know what my dreams or aspirations quite were yet. And I was already saying goodbye to them.

It took me a couple weeks of being at war with myself to warm up to the new me. Essentially I just had to give myself the "what the hell is wrong with you?" talk. There are women out there who would kill to get pregnant and can't. And I have always wanted to have babies. I just envisioned having to say goodbye to myself at more of a "27 and married" than a "24 and in-a-long-distance-relationship". So I was stressing about 3 years and being unmarried? That was it? Okay. These past two years have been the best years of Adam and my entire 6 year relationship. Believe that. 

My pre-pregnancy self seems so long ago. But it's only been two and a half years. I still remember how amazing it was, though. I got to day drink with my friends on Saturdays and go out on weekends and sometimes not make it home until the next morning. But it's like I don't even want to do those things anymore. I accept them as a pastime and can just smile and be glad they happened.

Not everyone gets to win the lottery, some people don't even want to. Some people just don't want to risk getting their leg cut off. I didn't realize that when saying goodbye to myself, I wasn't really saying goodbye to me, I was saying goodbye to events, to choices, to freedoms. Those were all things, things that can't compare to winning this lottery. 

This girl's smile = soul hugs

On the subject of pregnancy, did anyone else have an irrationally optimistic assumption that you would bounce back to your exact pre-prego body practically right away after birth? Poor me, I knew so little.


  1. What an honest post! I am definitely different from my pre-baby self, but I love the new me! I'm also pretty obsessed with being pregnant, so that helps! :-)

    1. Lol, I definitely enjoyed being pregnant, too! :)

  2. I can definitely relate to this! And while I didn't bounce back to my pre-pregnancy bod, breastfeeding made me lose most of the weight right away (like within a month). But I really don't think it's possible to ever be back to pre-pregnancy weight. I have definitely already realized I just have to work on having a healthy "mom" bod and I'm okay with that! :)

    1. Breastfeeding definitely helped me lose my pregnancy weight, too. I just never imagined how different my body would look, i.e. having to wear a different bra size. All worth it though! :)

  3. Having a baby is like getting married. You can try to prepare for it all you want, but in the end you just have to jump in because there's no other way to prepare.

    I had my first baby a year before I graduated from college and I wouldn't have done it any other way! She, my husband, and I all wore caps and gowns and walked at graduation at the same time. :)


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